I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
