Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
