and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
