apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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