Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
