So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
