Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Drunk is a universal language darling
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
