You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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