I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
