Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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