We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
