i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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