Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Please, let me fuck your mom
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm like, not good at living.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
