awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
