the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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