picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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