So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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