remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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