MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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