there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
