I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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