my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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