john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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