I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
