i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
