it's too hot outside to masturbate.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
