i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
