You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
