I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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