I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
