I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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