I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
