some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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