I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
