My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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