It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
