i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
