Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Success! We fucked roommates!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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