You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
