im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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