i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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