he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
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I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
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Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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