Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
