dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
