dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
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