I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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