It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
