Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
