I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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