Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
