he wants to bone in the snuggie
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My breasts were aching with rage.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I need a beard to bite.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
