I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
