We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
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