i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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