you would pick up someone in the library
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
